i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
