i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
