Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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