I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
