I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
