i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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