just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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