why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
