So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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