Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just invented taco cereal.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
