if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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