I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize