he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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