life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
