John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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