my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
