If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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