update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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