I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
