hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
