so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
