Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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