I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
