Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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