what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
