i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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