Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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