you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
