Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
