There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
