Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
