this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
