my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
