I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
