I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
