My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
