Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
