i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
