Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
