I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
