I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
