It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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