Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
