There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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