god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
