Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
