Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
