i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
