Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize