She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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