i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
