I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
