she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Soap is not a condiment
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
