This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
