Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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