The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
