do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Floor bacon is actually really good
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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