genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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