ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
