my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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